RoboCop (2014) is upon us, a feeble attempt to lure in 13 year old Iron Man fans and 20 year old Dark Knight dickheads from campus (You know the type). The director has labelled the experience as being, quote: “In Hell” and “The worst experience”. ED-209 is lifted straight from Transformers, looking like a giant magnet was dragged through a scrapyard, in other words an ugly, generic mess. Only Michael Bay can tell the head from the ass. RoboCop himself looks crushingly pathetic. This is Halloween, that suit looks like some cheap plastic shit you could see in town tonight. It looks like a cross between Iron Man and Batman. That won’t be the only influence comic book-ery will have on this. This is a family movie, don’t expect a third of the brutality of the original or a tenth of its satire. This is a cash in, using the RoboCop namesake to earn a few bucks. You know, in some parts of the world, Daewoo make pieces of shit cars and are legally allowed to put Chevy badges on them, duping stupid fucks into buying them. That’s what this is. Tellingly, this plate of refrigerated vomit has been pushed back to early 2014. That’s because they know its going to bomb. Don’t expect to see anymore RoboCop after that. Goodnight, Sweet Prince!
Its been 18 years since that turd-in-the-swimming pool known as Beverly Hills Cop III was dropped and 25 years since a good Beverly Hills Cop movie. A year or two back, the fourth movie was due, but script reviews of an ugly, humorless, piece of shit that had Rosewood killed in the opening act put the brakes on it. Unfortunately, it gets worse. The franchise has now been given the final and crushing death-blow. Yes, its the dreaded ‘Lets make it a TV show with the protagonists’ son’ news that all movie franchises dread, and have the main guy only appear in a cameo. The show will get a pilot on CBS (Ah, shit), Axel Foley will now be Aaron Foley, played by Brandon T. Jackson. Who? My thoughts exactly. Expect the Fresh Prince of Beverly Hills (pic), without the laughs. Mark my words, after the pilot stinks out living rooms there’ll be debate on whether to even air ‘Season 1’ at all, at which point the decision will come to go ahead and air it anyway. Might as well. The result of this? No Season 2 and irreparable damage. If the TV show bombs, which it will, forget another movie. If the TV show gets renewed, which it won’t – forget another movie. Here lies Beverly Hills Cop, killed in brutal slaying. 2013. Or 1994. This is just necrophilia.
In the words of Apollo Creed, its over. Its all over. I tend to agree with Screencrush when they say that Terminator 5 will likely never happen. For a start, it has nothing to build on. Terminator 3 was utter shit. Village People? In the Terminator? GTFO. Then there was that endeavour with Christian Bale and the director of one of those Charlie’s Angels movies. Don’t forget that shit TV show. In short, they fucked it up in the 00’s and seriously devalued its worth. Secondly, Arnold has too much going on. Good stuff, by the way, that caters to his age. He’ll be busy for a few years with The Last Stand, The Tomb, Ten, Unknown Soldier, Triplets and Expendables III – which Arnie says he wants to return to. Oh, and Conan. Like the article/link says, nobody wants to see a 70 year old Terminator, which is how old Arnie will be if this was eventually to get made. And that’s a big if. Then it faces the additional task of being good. Cameron was right on whether or not the Terminator can ever work again when he said: “The soup has been pissed in”.
Yippie Kay Mother…. oh. Wait, the soccer moms want us to stop there. Lets put in Mother… Russia! Yeah, that’s not fucking funny and not a good sign. This one is almost done. It suffered such a devastating blow by the hands of Len Wiseman and studio profiteers in DHINO, that it has not recovered and infection has set in. PG-13 itus. Die Hard has a 10% chance of survival. And, folks, Doctor McTiernan is certainly not in the house. But the prognosis gets worse. It looks like AGDTDH wants to follow in its illegitimate brothers bastard footsteps and compete in the Shark-Jumping Olympics – the director has called this one “Vast, vast, in scope”. Well, that is the antithesis of Die Hard, dipshit.Y’see, in the old movies it was ‘How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?!’. From DHINO onwards its more “How can this shit happen to anyone at all?” McLane vs Russians in Moscow? But worse, in its weakened state, it is in severe risk of catching a strain of the deadly virus that ravaged Beverly Hills Cop: SCI Syndrome (Sibling Cash-In Syndrome). Jay Courtney is being placed in this movie for the same reason Shia Lebeouf was placed in Indiana Jones – a shameless attempt to create a new John McLane. A secret agent McLane. Jack McBond. This will probably be PG-13 and the intended launchpad for a new trilogy to compete with Jack Ryan, Bourne etc. Maybe starting somewhere around 2015. Willis will cameo. No-one will care.