You can get away with a lot of shit in movies. You can have a shit story with good action (Expendables). You can have shit action with a good story (The original Bourne movies, they fixed thatt in Legacy). But one thing you cannot get away with is boredom. And Skyfall is boring. It is about as stimulating as drinking turnip juice. It’s a pile of dreary fucking nonsense. It has a neat opening sequence, but then its heart stops beating. Even the trademark opening credit sequence is dull, with music that sounds like it belongs at a funeral procession. I usually find most Bond movies to be either too dull or too camp. Incredibly, Skyfall is a combination of both where it is not only boring but has a villain ripped from an Austin Powers audition. Javier Bardem with died blonde hair and homosexual overtones? What is this shit? Supervillains, camp ones, belong in the 1960’s. But worse than that they fuck up the baddie from No Country for Old Men in that manner?
Some suit in an office watched Taken, then thought to himself that money could be made by making Taken: Woman. Just look for some MMA female and have her beat up guys on camera, let politically correct obsequiousness do the rest. Trust me guys, the money will roll in! I honestly couldn’t tell you what that movie was really about, aside from a former agent being stitched up. That’s down to a garbage story. Not that it mattered that there was no story and the acting was point-and-laugh awful, the fact that this movie had she-man doing the whole Bourne/Taken thing meant that you’d ignore all faults. Fact: Critics shined this turd merely because of its leftist gimmick, movies with men in the same role with even lesser faults are mauled by the same people. One of the (other!) annoying things about Haywire is that it has the gall to preach about sexism, as in the scene where Carano complains about being used to seduce a suspect, and yet it has no problem whatsoever in taking an extreme departure from reality in having a woman become a faultless Terminator. In Bourne movies, Damon is tirelessly hyped as a unique super soldier. Yet Haywire doesn’t have the balls to point out that a super-woman ass kicker is unique. It’s normal, y’see, and saying otherwise is sexist.
3) Total Recall
Total Recall is like a 100 million (or whatever it cost) dollar screensaver. A computer animation drawn up for the sole purpose of downtime distraction. And taking your money. And shitting on a classic. Did Len Wiseman, hack extrodanaire, even leave the office to shoot this piece of bastard celluloid? If you can believe it, it has even more CGI than The Avengers! Collin Farrell wants something more exciting than bed with Kate Beckinsale – I guess the deleted scene where it is explained the he is a fag is on the disc – so he goes to some Asians to hook him up with some CGI memories. Or something. You know what, if you made it through this movie like I did, props to you, sir. Yes, it is excrutiating, but when Wiseman at the end of this movie tries to pull a ‘thought provoking’ swerve – it borders into rip-seat-up levels of insulting. With that ‘big question’ ending, Wiseman truly must have thought his pile of camel-shit was thought provoking. Fist provoking, I would’ve granted.
2) The Dark Knight Rises
Now we’re getting into real dino shit territory. This is a movie for dickheads who think they’re more intelligent than they actually are. It’s for hipsters who enrol in college courses that are way above their mental capacity. It is for simpletons who only watch 3 movies a year. Three hours. Three hours is how long this bloated sack of pretence lasts. A 3 hour Batman movie where Batman is on screen for 33 minutes. Shit story, shit propaganda (pathetic snide shots at Wall Street Protests and obligatory inclusion of turrist bogeyman), shit score and phony action. A so called intellectual action movie, where a bespectacled Police Chief must disarm a neutron bomb built around fusion reactor technology. Well thank God they taught nuclear physics at the academy! Because Batman was nowhere to be seen. The fight scenes are shit too, now we know why Nolan had the camera spazzing out in the first two movies – he hasn’t got a clue how to shoot them. And one in particular was crucial – the one where Batman gets his back broken.
1) The Avengers
Here is the worst ‘action movie’ of 2012. It isn’t just that the movie is shit – I got pissed that this garbage got massive critical acclaim and The Expendables II did not. I went on an extensive rant about it. Expendables II was a gratuitous and pandering action ensemble with no story and questionable acting that got torn apart by critics. The Avengers is a gratuitous action ensemble with no story and questionable acting that got its ass kissed by critics. None of them dared to appear on the negative side of Rotten Tomatoes reviews. The first one to do so sustained a torrent of abuse. The Avengers, it’s just a CGI toy promo. It has no story, it has no villain. It isn’t funny. And since this is an action movie list – the action is horrible. If you’re a child with ADHD, you might find the end battle enthralling. Otherwise, only retarded adults watching that mess on half play speed need apply. Chaotic garbage where barely a frame isn’t CGI. Totally and utterly unsatisfying – worst action movie of the decade.