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REVIEW: The Avengers (2012) Worst Action Movie of the Decade – ManlyMovie

REVIEW: The Avengers (2012) Worst Action Movie of the Decade

Runtime: 143 Mins
Rated: PG-13
What To Expect: I’ve been told this is the worst review for a movie ever written, so I’m bumping it back to the top, see what you think

If you look at the description of this movie, its referred to as an ‘action’ movie.  Ok then, I’m going to review it as one:  This is the worst action movie of the year and this decade.  Probably.  I say probably because I haven’t seen the latest Paul Anderson Resident Evil movie, which is likely the reigning champion.  But I’d rather get stabbed in the eye with with rods of uranium than be witness to that, for all the movies I defend, I do have taste.  The Avengers is the third in a series of feature length toy adverts (The first being Captain America and Thor, two business ventures filling the dual role of trailer and figurine tease).  It is a 143 minute sales pitch created from an IBM processor, a computer generated promo that allegedly cost $220,000,000 to make.  I question that number, especially considering how this movie is, techically, an animation.  And animations are cheaper to make.  I think they lied about their budget, a cheap tactic nowadays to create placebo hype and put critics on notice.

Story matters, so the critics tell us, and the critics raved over The Avengers.  What is the story?  Why, it’s about a threat to Earth in the form of a horned alien coming in through a hole in the sky.  This threat will be dealt with by a top-secret group:  The Avengers.  The group is kept secret, of course, by hiring discontented yet nonetheless internationally recognisable characters, who make the FBI most wanted list look anonymous.  Such as a man in an flying suit who loves TV-Time.  This inconspicuous group hold their clandestine meetings on a flying aircraft carrier the size of New Zealand.  Now you might wonder two things (Or, you might not, given todays hip movie-going audience).. a) Is a flying aircraft carrier the best place to conduct inconspicuous and secretive DEFCON affairs, and b) Exactly what use does a flying aircraft carrier serve, anyway?  Is it up there with the floating boat-carrier?  Maybe this is the prize collectable this Christmas.  

The story is actually non-existent.  Even less so if you haven’t seen Thor or Captain America.  It’s comprised of three acts: A 10 minute first act, where the enemy appears, a 15 minute third act where he is disposed of and 120 minutes of product placement serving as a second act, where the enemy is curiously absent.  Did I mention that this movie has Chris Evans, the most wooden actor outside a Joseph Gordon Levitt audition?  Or horrible phoning-it-in from all involved?  Mind you, many an action movie flunks its lines then comes back with what it promised in the first place: Killer action sequences.  Incredibly, the action in The Avengers is worse than the story.

The final 20 minutes, which probably have more CGI than the entirety of The Phantom Menace, are an assault on the senses.  I defy anyone to immediately recite scene-by-scene what happens at the end of that movie.  There is so much artificial shit being thrown around on the screen that it amounts to an incoherent, vomitous mess.  No time is allowed to savour well executed individual set pieces, because there are no well executed individual set pieces.  The barrage of vacuity happens so fast in the hope that you won’t notice.  If your idea of good action is a shit load of black smoke in front of a shit load of green screen, have at it.  To insure the idiots don’t go home unhappy, some riveting dialogue is inserted, all two words of it: “Hulk, smash”.  In order to make sense of any of this; whether it’s fighting on a flying aircraft carrier or defeating a giant polygon-projected beast that has appeared from a hole in the sky – you’d have to slow the movie down to 1/3 of the speed its played at.  The mess at the end of this movie actually reminds me on Call of Duty without a control pad.  Remember that Godzilla movie from the ’90s that was critically savaged?  Same (shit) as this critically heralded finale, only its execution was infinitely superior.

This baked turd is modern ‘action’, for the hip audience above lowering themselves to the likes of, say, Universal Soldier.  See, we needed to move on from silly garbage with Stallone and Co, with poor acting and no story.  Those movies were stupid.  Get with the times, man!  We need progressive and thought-provoking shit like The Avengers.

  • Anonymous

    You are an idiot. You have horrible taste in movies and should be embarrased.

  • Anonymous

    This site should go down. It is awful. You’re reviewing skills are a disgrace :c

  • lol well, you spelt “your” wrong, so…

  • Anonymous

    The big action scene at the end was just a carbon copy of the big action scene at the end of Transformers 3 (giant portal in the sky, flying mecha-worm things, lots of grey indistinct baddies to be dispatched without effort etc).

    What is the point of superheroes if the human characters (especially arrow guy and agent woman) are just as indestructible and powerful.

  • Yeah, thats an even better analogy.

  • Anonymous

    The Avengers is not only an action movie is an ADVENTURE movie. It’s like saying Star Wars, Indiana Jones or Back to the Future are action films.

  • Well its shit as an Adventure too. To compare something as vacuous as The Avengers to Indiana Jones only highlights a second failure.

  • Anonymous

    Couldn’t have put it better myself, dude.

    This movie will get its television network premier on the Disney Channel.

    And you knows it!

  • Anonymous

    Rock on man .. that movie was piss poor kindergarden adventure…

  • Anonymous

    This film was awful. Enjoying your blog. Keep ’em coming!

  • sveknu

    Who said that this was the worst review ever ?

    To me, this review is written by a person who obviously knows his movies.

  • Anonymous

    Fucking toy movies, man. That’s all I’ll say. I like superheroes, and don’t really care about film adaptations. It’s the fact that young men and even older men cream themselves over shit like this and The Lego Movie. Grown men, marginalizing proper action movies with their kidult bullshit.

  • Alonso

    Superhero movies are made by fags for fags.

    Watch DIE HARD 1 that is a great movie, Avengers is eye candy trash for sheep like all superhero trash movies

  • Anonymous

    “Technically an animation. And animations are cheaper to make.”

    Wrong on both counts, genius…

  • Anonymous

    So if Avengers gets 4/10 and its called the worst action movie of the decade, what makes the shitty remakes of “Total Recall” and “Robocop” then, given that they have lower scores