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REVIEW: Mercenaries (2014) – ManlyMovie

REVIEW: Mercenaries (2014)

mercenaries

Runtime: 89 Mins
Rated: R
What To Expect: Bullets and botox – with females this time

Ahead of our review of The Expendables 3, today we take a look at a similar movie, even though it’s got an exclusively  female lineup.  A female ‘Expendables’ with B-movie action-ettes shooting Asylum’s extras/crew in the middle of some field.  Movies like these, like all ensembles, need a good cast.  For a second-tier (let’s be generous with that one) movie, the cast isn’t so bad.  Brigitte Nielson, Cynthia Rothrock, Zoë Bell and Kristanna Loken.  You know, the Terminatrix from Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines.  Nielson is probably the most recognisable here, a strong resume indeed with Beverly Hills Cop 2, Rocky IV and Cobra under her belt.  It’s an Asylum movie though, so abandon hope all ye who enter…

Anyway, the president’s daughter has been kidnapped!  And the ‘Mercenaries’ (Bell, Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Vivica A. Fox) are recruited by the government to retrieve her from lunatic Brigitte Nielson’s grasp.  So umm… on to the important stuff.  Sex.  A quote kept entering my head when watching this movie, a line Steve Buscemi once uttered: “Where could a guy find some action?”.  Not that type of action, I’m talking about sex and nudity, particularly from the best looking of the bunch, Kristanna Loken.  Alas, there is none, which pretty much removes the reason why any of us might remotely avoid changing the channel, should it accidentally appear on TV some night. But that’s understandable, they’re not going to do that for the shitty paycheques offered here.

The other problems with the movie?  First, Cynthia Rothrock is cameoing basically, in a ‘Mr. Church’ role.  Not good enough.  Zoë Bell carries most of the movie.  She’s a competent screen fighter and stunt woman, but her skills are betrayed by horrific editing where blows and knocks happen as one frame cuts to another. I am also sad to report that this movie is sexist!  The women are either victims of men, portrayed as chauvinist neanderthals, or kicking the asses of men.  Also, in this movie the least they could’ve done was hold the fucking camera steady.  I understand that they are working with dimes and coupons here, to complete a movie like this, but there is no excuse for spazzing out the lens.  Enough of this shit!  These B-movies have a chance to offer something different, in the day and age when blockbusters are filming incoherent jibberish in the same way.  Hold it steady… the likes of Bell can entertain, if you give them a chance.

As opposed to nothing, I am going to give this a score of three.  Because I like Brigitte Nielson’s ‘unique’ acting and demeanour and Zoë Bell earns her money.

three

  • Mucho Macho

    The cinematographer was probably jerking off to Loken & Bell..hence the camera work

  • Mucho Macho

    Btw, i am really looking foward to your review of Ex3, it has been such a controversial movie dat some reviews r lame & uneven.

    • That’s good because I am really looking forward to writing it haha. No shilling here.

  • Mucho Macho

    Just be kind to Mel:-D
    Lord knows he’s been trashed enough already for bullshit reasons
    Deserves a break
    Looking foward to Fury Road,, i like Hardy..
    But Lord Gibson will always be Mad Max #1

  • Saverio

    speaking of Mad Max…….I caught the first one cause its been added to Netflix. I liked it. It wasn’t what I thought it was. All the revenge is in the very end rather than throughout like I originally thought for some reason. I guess that’s Road Warrior. Which, btw I recorded on IFC last night so I will view tonight! The Ford Falcon is bad ass with the whining sound of the supercharger.

    • The Road Warrior is the vastly superior film. I have high hopes for MM:FR, but Miller will never top Mad Max 2.

  • Mucho Macho

    Good 4 u Saverio..
    1 down
    2 to go
    No 1 is perfect ..i get that.
    Mel made some mistakes.
    But in a town where no matter how many times woody allen gets accused of pedophilia & no 1 cares.
    Roman Polansky, drugged ,anally penetraded a 13 year old girl, fled the U.S. to avoid jail time & Movie stars work for him all the time & award him oscars. Victor Salva another minor lover still gets jobs, rappers openly talk shooting people & selling drugs in their past or still get arrested for it & get invited to
    the white house…They all get a pass in Hollywood but this guy u blacklist!?!?!?!
    They all say he got rich of the jews.yeah,,like no 1 else made $$$ of Lethal Weapon right!?!?
    Not sayin the dude is perfect..but he by far is not the worst offender but is treated like such. Like Hollywood actors dont have drinking problems besides Gibson!
    So enjoy Mad Max
    Get Braveheart too if u havent seen it yet
    Watch Lethal Weapon again
    May i suggest Tequila Sunrise as well ( underrated)
    & i will go see Ex 3 this week in theaters only if only for Lord Gibson..
    1 of the all time greats!
    Mel Gibson fan here:
    Fuck u Haters!!!!!!!

  • Saverio

    Ok I watched Road Warrior. Very entertaining! Even for a first time viewer on an old movie. That’s rare. Better than the first respectively with more action. The vehicles in this really make it for me. BTW, yes I have seen Braveheart