Everyone has heard a ‘Seagal story’ that they like. Whether it’s hiring 24-Hour on call prostitutes, falling afoul of the Mob, claiming to be a former SEAL or insulting Tom Cruise, all of them are funny. I like collecting them, always eager to hear who he has fucked off next. Most are confrontations. Unlike Part 1, this entry is solely devoted to Sensei Seagal and, another difference – the manliness is not always attributed to him, rather the lesser known actors/crew members who kick respond to his challenges. Most of these are all over the net, have been for years. They’re easily found, Google gets ’em in about 10 seconds. They only add to the awesomery of Master Seagull.
Vs Bob Wall I
Apparently Wall and Chief Seagal hate each other. Apparently Wall is also a friend of Chuck Norris. Well, Wall and Norris were at a UFC event and they happened to see Seagal nearby. Norris insisted that Wall should use the opportunity to approach Seagal and mend bridges with him. Wall refused for a good amount of time before Norris finally convinced him to go over and shake his hand. Wall approached Seagal and tried to shake his hand. Steve stonewalled him and didn’t even take him on. Wall went back to Norris furious. Shortly after, the former Vietnam vet was seen approaching the two and immediately started to introduce himself to Norris, saying how much he respected him etc. Seagal then went to shake Walls hand – this is where my memory gets hazy – either Seagal tried to slap one of his trademark wristlocks on Wall, or Wall thought he was going to – but the next thing that happened was that Wall put Seagal in a headlock until his face turned purple, when Seagal tapped his side, the man let him go.
Vs Bob Wall II: The Rematch
Some time after the UFC fracas, Seagal started shitting on Wall to anyone who’d listen and then gave Norris similar treatment on TV. This incensed Wall and eventually, Wall met Seagal on the Street. Wall demanded Seagal either apologise or fight. Seagal said that if Wall wanted to fight, he’d have to come to Seagal’s dojo. Wall didn’t accept this and threatened to get physical. As Wall put it: “You know the only interesting martial artist on film is Chuck Norris. I love his stuff because he incorporates his character into it. I love ‘Walker’ . I own everyone of Chuck’s 24 films , I mean I’m a fan. But outside of him , you know uh Steven Seagal, I hear he’s trying to reform now, but I’ve never seen one of his films, because he was a jerk, and we recently had a little talk about who’s real and who’s not, and uh, he apologized and I accepted that.”
Vs Jean Claude Van Damme
For years Mr. Seagal had badmouthed Van Damme. Seagal badmouthing a fellow actor?! Surely not! Anyway, when Stallone threw a house party in 1997 both Seagal and Van Damme showed up. Seagal started shitting on Van Damme once again. Stallone: “Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left.”
According to the full interview with Stallone
, Van Damme wasn’t finished. He tracked Seagal down to a nightclub and again demanded they go outside and fight. Seagal refrained and again left with a weak excuse
Vs ‘Judo Gene’ LeBell
Perhaps the most infamous ‘Seagal Story’ out there. Seagal has a reputation for bullying stunt men and being too rough with them, occasionally causing injury. For people like that, it’s especially a big deal because an injury affects livelihood. Anyway, on the set of Above the Law Seagal began bragging about how he has a sixth fighting sense and can break out of any hold. Turns out he injured a stunt guy and after saying this, up steps Gene LeBell, probably the last human on Earth you’d wanna fuck with. “I’ll take that bet”, said Gene. LeBell makes Seagal tap. Seagal says he wasn’t ready. LeBell goes again, Seagal passes out and shits himself.
Vs Francis Fong/Dan Inosanto
You might remember a guy fighting with sticks in the movie Out for Justice. That guy was Dan Inosanto. Anyway, Seagal was at an autograph signing session at a mall one day. Inosanto and Francis Fong come in and notice Seagal. Inosanto approaches Seagal to shake his hand, at which point the Seagull slaps his wristlock on Fong to impress the (presumably) crowd of fat women in attendance. Eventually, Seagal lets him go. Next, Seagal tries to do the same to Fong, but Fong is having none of it and punches Seagal to the ground. Fond tells Seagal that if he gets off the ground, he’s going to kill him. Since this is Francis Fong we’re talking about, who may not even be from this Earth, this was a warning that any rational human being might want to take seriously. Seagal stays down untill mall security escort both Inosanto and Fong off the premises.
Vs Curt Hennig
This is one I heard myself years ago, I used to watch wrestling when it was super-hot in the late 90’s (Attitude! Get it?). Anyway, Hennig was at an airport and was stopped by some fans. They wouldn’t call him Mr Perfect if he wasn’t the type to oblige some autographs. Just so happens The Fat One was in the area and seen the commotion. Seagal approaches with his old favourite, make hand-shake gesture then apply sucker wristlock. Seagal tries this on Hennig. The problem is, Hennig was a huge guy and strong as all hell. When the Seagull applied the lock, Hennig, bemused, merely pulled his hand away/out of the lock, wondering what the fuck was up with this guy. Seagal, humbled, walked away.
Vs John Leguizamo
This one took place on the set of Executive Decision. Leguizamo, funny bastard that he is, tells it best. And no, unfortunately he didn’t come off the better of it. But who knows, maybe John just wanted to avoid getting fired by retaliating? Seagal, who was throwing hissy fits the entire movie over being killed early, told the cast that he was king shit and that all must obey. Leguizamo found this suitably hilarious (Like all these stories) and laughed in the Stout Sensei’s face. That earned him several stiff blows.
And there you have it. There are more though. Such as Jack Black challenging Steven Seagal to a fight. I swear I recall reading Seagal accepted the challenge so long as it was recorded and took place at his house. But I could not find this again on Google. Another one is friction between Mr. Seagal and rapper DMX, or a sword fight (with wooden swords) with a stuntman, which he lost. For now, let us round off this entry with some lyrics from the Sensei’s music career. From the song, Mojo Priest;
I woke up this mornin’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs
I woke up this mornin’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs
Well she looked at me kinda surprised
And she said baby, you got your own two pair a legsI went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love
I went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love
Well she looked at me kinda surprised and she said
Baby you got your own two pair a hands
but you ain’t got no glove
But thank you
for reminding me I got my own two pair of legs
oh and thank you
for reminding me I got my own two hands
but it seem like I got a new set of plans
I cant have no compromise
I hate to break it to you
but I got my own two pair a eyesI went down to see my mama
and I told my mama my situation
she said son it sound like you need some excavation in your habitation
she said love goin’ to have to have some give and take
if you can’t have that you gonna have nothing but heart breakI went back home last night
I told my baby to get on up the roadWell she looked at me kinda surprised
Suddenly she not so cold
I told her I cant have no more sass
and from now on she can talk to my ass