Dear Paul & Milla
I am a Resident Evil fan. So it is with great anticipation that I welcome the news presented this week by you that you are about to begin filming the last in the Resident Evil movie series. The end is in sight, the reign of terror is coming to an end. I hate your Resident Evil movies. In fact, I think I hate them passionately. They are like turds that won’t flush. They would not go away.
Your movies suck. They are nothing like the games. Where the games are (were) creepy and oppressed the gamer with cinematic terror, your movies oppressed the viewer with cinematic agonizing ineptitude, with your wife celebrating the escalating calamity. Where the people of CAPCOM hired composers and created sad, tragic and terrifying musical pieces, your movies had drum ‘n bass Euro dance blasting through the speakers. What were you thinking, Anderson? How did you ever find employment? And who are the retards who buy this vomit every two years?
Paul, have you ever completed a Resident Evil game? Have you even played one? If ever a game series was ripe to transition from the small screen to the big screen, the original Resident Evil was it. The second Resident Evil was prime material for a sequel. There were more games to mine that could’ve spawned an entire Marvel Universe-esque tree of survival horror. If they had employed George Romero for this task, like the originally planned to, it would’ve been The Walking Dead before The Walking Dead even became a thing. But then they hired you. It was a dark day.
I know, these things are just movies. Destroy one piece of massive potential, Resident Evil, stealing it from Romeo and ruining it. Get over it, you could say that hatred is not warranted. But Paul, you really tested us by not only also ruining the movie adaptation of Resident Evil 2, but also pissing in the soup of both Alien and Predator. All in the same year. Maybe we should redefine when it is acceptable to hate a movie director.
Paul, you are to Resident Evil what Joel Schumacher was to Batman, and Milla is your George Clooney. But imagine the uproar that would’ve came about had Joel Schumacher been given carte blanche to produce six turds in total, like you have done with Resident Evil. By 2005, with the sixth movie, I bet someone might have actually killed him! With each one raising the bar higher each time in cornball shark jumping.
Or here is another example, imagine Michael Bay directed a Walking Dead movie, only to have it filled with explosions, hard rock, point-and-laugh slow-mo shots and his dumbass wife telling people to calm down, it’s only a movie. How come nobody would get away with those examples, but you got away with raping Resident Evil for ten years?
Not so fast Milla, you too. “There are, like, 15 people in the world that spend all day really hating me,” says Jovovich. “Like horrifically hating me with a passion. They’re always writing.” Yes, oh, yes. But there are more than 15 of us. I hate your character and I hate your goofy indifference to the insult that it is. I mean, I don’t remember any wire-fu in those games, do you? What’s that? You’ve never played any of that shit, get the fuck outta here? I also hate your fans and the fact that many of them probably never played any of the games either, at least not the originals.
Every one of these films has been shit. Including the first. Now then, let’s get the last one out of the way. It’s almost time, praise be! Paul and Milla, stay the fuck away from the eventual reboot. Otherwise then you really will feel hate!