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REVIEW: Gods Of Egypt (2016)

Swords and sandals are a go-to genre for manly movies.  In the old days especially.  I mean who can forget Ray Harryhausen’s masterful stop motion work in the likes of Clash of the Titans (1981) or Jason and the Argonauts (1963)?  Films like that elicited a sense of wonder and we would marvel at the alpha figures kicking ass.  But Gods of Egypt only invokes a sense of despair and a sense of frustration.  They paid $140,000,000 to make this turd?  I don’t believe it.

The film is set in pre-historical Egypt, where He-Men Gods rule over underling humans, but live side by side in a period of prosperity.  Gods are distinguished from humans by being about 125% larger in physical form, brought about by CGI (oh, lots and lots of CGI), an attempt to instil a sense of awe, but more often than not only being mildly funny.  As good guy God Nikolaj Coster-Waldau prepares to assume the throne as new leader of Egypt, bad guy God Gerard Butler tears his eyeballs out, enacts a coup and begins his own reign of terror.  Like the Saddam of ancient times.  From there, Coster-Waldau enlists the help of effete Brenton Thwaites, a lowly pissant peasant, to set things right.

The worst thing about this film is that it looks so fake, that instant fatigue is produced before Butler even becomes the new leader.  The entire thing was pumped out by some piggy-backed IBM processors – fake crowds, fake skies, fake walls, fake costumes, fake everything.  The writing is also terrible, it wouldn’t pass for an old episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.  In an attempt to supplement that shortcoming, they attempt to inject some tongue in cheek humour, but that too only comes across as strained and awkward.  The CGI is also used to mask bouts of violence, Power Rangers style morphin’ happens when fights are about to happen, to appease the censors.

Two final things here, first, they say this movie has a budget of $140,000,000.  Is that a fucking joke?  You have a bunch of dudes standing around on green screen.  I think someone was trying to inflate the film’s sense of worth for promotional ends.  Second, much has been said about the ‘white washing’ taking place in this movie, that’s simply reflective of the west’s seismic shift deeper into the ultra left.  I’ll put it this way, since white people are over represented by about 20% in Hollywood, why not start with the groups that are over represented by, what, 200%? Who remembers Bill Maher’s gay mafia controversy?

3

  • Earl

    I can’t believe you reviewed this and didn’t even MENTION Deadpool.

    • The Night Rider

      Think of it this way. These types of movies were coming when John Wayne was walking the red carpet. ‘Pan sexual’ action figurines were rightly taboo.

  • Madmartigan

    @earl He doesn’t review toy commercials

    • mark

      Madmartigan,
      You can call PG-13 superhero film’s toy commercials if you want, although personally I don’t agree with that at all, good films can certainly have merchandise related to them.
      However Deadpool is definitely an R rated film, it has R rated violence, swearing, sexual references/scenes, that doesn’t sound like a film designed to be a “toy commercial” to me.

      • The Night Rider

        Who gives a fuck if the 10,000th comic book movie has swearing?

        • mark

          night rider you may well not do as you obviously don’t like the genre but the fact is deadpool is easily as R rated as expendables ever was.
          It also had creators that truly had stuck their neck’s out for an R rating who didn’t want this film to be PG-13 which it easily could have been.
          I have seen people on here blame wiseman for LFODH’s PG-13 when the reality is he would have been fired and replaced if he refused and the film still be that rating.
          However the FIRST TIME director of deadpool held out for an R rating for deadpool, helped I am sure Ryan Reynolds wanting one as well.
          You may have no interest in the film BUT you should praise the director/star for doing that.
          I will also add that it slaughtered mad max : fury road at the box office.
          Also it may well help other R rated action films get made.
          Also even if you don’t like deadpool, how about the punisher or blade, two other comic book characters that have ALWAYS been in R rated live action films (so far)

  • Frenchie Pred the Imdb Legend

    3/10 is generous.

  • Mucho Macho

    Account Fraud.
    a Hollywood studio’s standard practice.
    They don’t always put on screen what they say they are spending.
    Lots of vacations, vacation homes, drugs, cars and other shit are spend with a Movie’s budget

  • Mucho Macho

    If you are going to make a B movie..then spend B movie money.

  • Mucho Macho

    I still like Gerard Butler though

    • AlTeo

      London Has Fallen
      Butler is the action hero we need

      • Mucho Macho

        Law Abiding Citizen from 2009 I think is underrated.
        The unrated version is awesome. Its a cool vigilante movie

  • Jacob Phillips

    It’s a shame, Alex Proyas made Dark City, which I thought was quite good.

  • Anoyster

    As much as I usually like to believe that these giant CGI shitfest box office flops that Hollywood churns out reliably every year (Tomorrowland, John Carter, Battleship etc.) are done on purpose for whatever tax benefits and other money laundering tactics I have a deeper belief that the system is just run by complete incompetent buffoons. A shame, they could have used that money for 3 mid-sized R rated action movies.

  • mark

    knight rider,
    you review THIS and haven’t reviewed London has Fallen or Triple 9?

    • Wahh eahh “deadpool”, wahh wahh “deadpool”.

      • mark

        Cyrus,
        Where did I mention deadpool – a film that destroys virtually all modern R rated action films at the box office BTW.
        I actually mentioned London has fallen + triple 9 which knight rider has since reviewed but after this one.

  • Barney Ross

    The fat snake was hilarious, some funny scenes but its trash, Butler was great as always, he’s a manly fuck even in pg13 trash like this.