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REVIEW: Precious Cargo (2016) – ManlyMovie

REVIEW: Precious Cargo (2016)

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It took me two attempts to get through this movie, because it is bad.  As usual, I felt like I wanted to cover it on the basis of Bruce Willis’ involvement and I’m sure certain investors also wanted to lure unsuspecting consumers on the basis of that too.  Hey, Bruce Willis’ face is on the cover, along with some guy called Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  Now on this artwork, Bruce Willis’ head alone is three times the size of Gosselaar’s entire body, so shouldn’t this suggest that Bruce Willis has three times the screen time as Gosselaar?  Can you imagine my shock when it turned out that this was not the case? Have we been here before?

Bruce Willis plays a crime kingpin who is twisting the arm of a group of thieves, led by Gosselaar.  He says that they screwed him in a previous heist, therefore they must assist him in another one to make things square.  And so we follow Gosselaar and his somewhat love interest Claire Forlani, as they target an armoured truck and wade their way through Z-rate plot ‘twists’ and occasional threats from Willis.  If the plot sounds interesting in this semi black-comedy, trust me, it most certainly is not.

I mean let’s run down the VODmit check list here.  Extended intro, using footage from the movie itself in a montage that looks like it was cooked up by some aspiring YouTuber, in an attempt to fill out the 89 minutes?  Yes, along with other stuff like the end credits, I think the movie must be around the 80 minute mark.  Stuff like suspect CGI blood? Sure.  Another thing is Bruce Willis.  He’s in this movie a bit more than his other recent VOD efforts, but still the same old shit.  He shows up now and again playing a minority role, which is utterly phoned in.  He is sour, unhappy and wants to be somewhere else.

Also, is it weird that I know the back of Bruce Willis’ bald head and can tell when they find some other bald dude to stand in for him?  They do this in Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme movies too, I guess ’90s action stars are hard men to find on the set.

I’ve seen worse action scenes to be honest, the heist in the middle of the movie is not terrible, but this is hardly a compliment, it is unremarkable in that it’s probably not even worth watching on YouTube if it turns up there.  Also the intro sequence has an awesome theme tune, I can’t find the name of it, and it was the best thing about the movie, the awful attempt to ape a GTA loading screen notwithstanding.  Anyway, once upon a time Bruce Willis appearing in a heist movie would have been a big deal.

Now, it’s about as appealing as sticking your arm down a blocked drain.

3

 

  • jim

    I gave it ten minutes.It is brutal…and not in a good way.Yet again we have to ask why these VOD flics are so bad.Was a time when plenty of jobbing directors and screeenwriters knew how to do more with less. No excuses. It is contempt for the audience.They think we can’t tell the difference.Horrible….Our reviewer is right about the soundtrack.It’s wasted on a movie like this.

    • Jacob Phillips

      Right man, I heard that when Sergio Leone made Fistfull of Dollars they didn’t give him much more than some old cans of unused film. These days people seem to go out of their way to make a pile of shit.

      • jim

        Bone Tomahawk was shot in about a month for less than $2million and it’s one of the best things I’ve seen in years. No excuses for junk like Precious Cargo. They’re not even trying.

  • Frenchie Pred the Imdb Legend
  • Jacob Phillips

    Pity, trailer doesn’t look half bad.

  • Jacob Phillips

    “You’re not dead yet?” Bruce: “Only on the inside.” Then “Could’ve been bad.” “COULD’VE?” These lines weren’t in the script, it was just banter from on the set.

  • Mucho Macho

    I think the Willis children need to get jobs.
    They might be going through the Vault way too fast

  • Mucho Macho

    Damn you Willis!!
    https://youtu.be/wf6LrkWQ2k0

    • Jacob Phillips

      Absolutely no shame. Who the hell would buy this shit anyway?

      • Mucho Macho

        Maybe for my dog..when he is out lookin for bitches😜

        • Jacob Phillips

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36bs7Z_LLSs
          Antonio Banderas is also on the bandwagon, it makes me fucking sick.

          • Mucho Macho

            Actually to be completely honest with you , the Antonio Banderas perfume does not bother me as much. I think for a couple of reasons
            number 1)he always had an image of Latin lover
            and number 2) seeing him bang the crap Auto Rebecca De Mornay in “never talk to strangers” makes me wish I put some perfume on me see if I can do that too😎

            But Willis image “mr. smart-ass smug asshole from New Jersey” with the perfume it’s kind of funny and ridiculous. Specially now when he always looks bored out of his fucking mind.
            But you make a good point

          • Jacob Phillips

            True, Banderas flogging perfume is slightly more forgiveable compared to Willis.

          • Mucho Macho

            When i first saw the Willis ad i went like “WTF?!?!
            I swear at first it looked like a joke to me

      • The Night Rider

        The odd thing is that Willis can surely make more money through interest/account manipulation of his untold tens of millions if he has a good accountant than doing any of this shit. He could’ve retired or semi retired long ago and only accepted good movies.

    • CARTMANEZ

      NFLAOF

  • Glen Brunelle

    John Mclane… Saved by the bell!!. Watched this last night after Seagals Sniper Black ops. This thing deserve an Oscar compared to what Seagal just vomited out.

  • mark

    Here is the problem with straight to dvd/Blu-ray/download compared to straight to VHS years ago.
    PIRACY – I honestly feel that has a lot to do with the lack of quality, the reason they are making these films as cheap as possible eg CGI explosions/CGI blood/CGI bullet hits.
    Quite a few people download films for free on pirate sites rather than paying for them so the industry puts less money into making them.
    They get a known star like willis to do a supporting role just so they can put his name on the cover and then have much cheaper actors in the main roles.
    Then there is the quality of the scripts as well which is very important to the quality of any film but are usually OK at best in straight to dvd films.
    Back in VHS days there wasn’t so much piracy and certainly wasn’t as easily available as it is nowadays.
    Rather than releasing these films straight to dvd/Blu-ray/download I think they would be better to team up with companies like Netflix instead and deliver a better quality product as I assume pirating a film from a company like that is a lot tougher?
    Personally I don’t pirate films out of principle. I buy them either full price or half price if more risky or sometimes legally rent them and I have a subscription to Netflix occasionally when things are on there I want to see.
    I recently watched daredevil season 2 which pisses on any direct to dvd/Blu-ray film from a VERY high height and also better call saul season 1+2 (breaking bad spin-off show)
    Is perhaps something like this a better idea for film companies due to pirating issue for straight to dvd/Blu-ray releases?