The Four Stages Of DTV Sickness

Select Theatre Disorder

Select theatre disorder is a fancy name for the runs, limited runs.  A mild affliction, this is when a movie star has exposed himself too much to an audience and his paymasters force him direct to the figurative toilet, cheap and mass produced Blu-Ray discs.  A fancy way to cover it is to release the movie in ‘theatres’ in order to make it appear more mainstream.  But few are fooled, less can actually find the movie playing.  And the only thing found by all is shit.  Actors who have succumbed include Arnold Schwarzenegger and even The Rock – oh yes, see Empire State (2013). Some sufferers of the problem such as Nicolas Cage have experimented with under the counter drugs to counteract STD, but exhibited mania and psychosis as a result.

Walter_B Syndrome

What anyone suffering from Walter_B syndrome wouldn’t give to only have a dose of Select Theatre Disorder.  Walter_B Syndrome is characterized by the actor bringing about the illness himself. A form or self harm, the actor has an inconsolable, ravenous desire for money.  The problem often sets in during the early 50s for men, with lecherous VODmit producers attacking the immune system with noxious cash injections for little movement or energy required in return.  Early symptoms include depression and appearing in interviews wearing a bathrobe. Notable sufferers: Bruce Willis, Robert De Niro.

Dolph Seagalitis

Dolph Seagalitis is known to strike D-B listers who enjoyed their prime in the 1990s.  The sufferer will have a chronic and incurable bout of rapid and incessant VODmit intervals.  Studies show that subjects afflicted with Dolph Seagalitis actually engage in acts of self harm.  Symptoms include losing the ability to speak, requiring assistants to repeat commands or lines, inability to stand near cameras for more than 3 minutes at a given time, and a massive appetite for money and Asian food.

Terminal Trejo Disease

This is the disease feared most by all actors.  The victim is stricken by bargain basement DVD bacteria, which attacks the reputation, career, spine and vitality.  The illness is known to attack 1990’s D-listers and 21st century F-listers whose immune systems are particularly low.  Terminal Trejo Disease is, by definition, fatal to all who contract it.  Although Danny Trejo himself is said to have lived longest.  Ken Shamrock’s career notably died within 90 minutes of contracting Terminal Trejo Disease.  However, breakthroughs are said to be imminent, with TTD sufferer Vinnie Jones vowing to live out a full and healthy career to the end using revolutionary new techniques including threats of violence and IMDb Vote Rigging.