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REVIEW: The Package (2013) - ManlyMovie

REVIEW: The Package (2013)

the_package2012

This is one of those movies where a lot of improbable shit happens.  For example, it’s improbable that nearly every bad guy is a martial arts expert.  It’s also improbable that you’ll get 117 rounds out of a 20 round magazine.  Actually, that second one is impossible.  But this is the good type of improbable.  The 80’s type, it’s really good to see conversations become increasingly agitated before being settled with a 360 kick and it’s another movie where Dolph reunites with an Expendables cast member.  In the form of Stone Cold Steve Austin.  This type of movie is for a certain fan, besides the hardcore Austin/Lundgren fans.  It’s for people who don’t give a shit about what the critics might say and it’s also made by people who don’t give a shit what the critics might say.  The look on Dolph’s face throughout makes it obvious:  This movie is just for laughs.  Violent laughs.

There is merely the question of whether or not it can fill an extremely bored 90 minutes.  It can, if you’re a fan of these two.  To clear his son’s debt, Austin must deliver a ‘Package’, Transporter-style, to Dolph.  Dolph is an anti-hero here, Austin the hero.  With the bad guys gunning for both, until the end when there’s a half-decent swerve.  The only guy playing it straight is Austin, which he always does (maybe he doesn’t get it.)  It’s also probably the first time I’ve seen him wearing a suit since an angle way back in ’98 with McMahon in the WWF.

If you’re pacing the room with boredom, you could do worse than this movie.  It actually reminds me somewhat on Cobra, or sort of like its nasty, trailer park trash nephew.  Reminds me on Cobra in the sense of how ludicrous it is.  I mean, if one of your men is in a shack fighting an enemy, is the best way to deal with the problem to bring out a light machine gun and riddle the whole building with 3,000 rounds?  In broad daylight?  And is it likely that both the antagonist AND protagonist make it out alive?  Fuck no, got anymore then?!  Lundgren is the best part of this show, but it looks like it’s another one of those 2-week shoot jobs.  Not good enough.  The music also sounds offensively cheap, even for a DTV movie.  It’s a pretty weak movie, but a pretty strong DTV movie.  Not like one of those Seagal DTV’s where it’s 100% laughable.  This movie actually has some reasonable manly retro fight scenes.

Wise people will probably take care to avoid this.  But it’ll appear on TV some night and is a good time killer if nothing else.  It’s some funny shit.  

7

19 Comments

  1. Austrian Oak

    November 12, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Great review! Loved the Package cause it had this 80s vibe you mentioned all over it. That’s rare those days another movie that channels it in a similar fashion is Bullet to the Head with sly which was a dtv here in Austria. Therefore I didn’t expect the same as people in theatres and really enjoyed it.

  2. Mucho Macho

    November 12, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    For a handful of years, Stone Cold Steve Austin put out of string of the DTV movies they were actually cool. He needs to go back and make more.
    Btw..his podcasts are cool

  3. Mucho Macho

    November 12, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Austin actually gave the President of the United States a Stone Cold Stunner!
    https://youtu.be/MqHPCemWV10

    • jim

      November 12, 2016 at 4:36 pm

      Be honest macho…this is kinda twilight zone stuff now, isn’t it?…weird scenes inside the goldmine….things are getting very odd….Strange days indeed..most peculiar.. I wonder if I might be getting a touch of buyers remorse? Be careful what you wish for…NO!!NO!!NO!!…I was right the first time..In for a penny,In for a pound. Anything is better than HRC..GOD SPEED Donald Trump..Please dont fuck it up..!!

      • Mucho Macho

        November 12, 2016 at 6:29 pm

        I knew all this shit before. Like I have pointed out before here, there is a chance that anyone that steps into that office can be a complete disaster. Realistically speaking, if he at least does a third of what he said, maybe it’s a good thing.
        Obama and Hellary were taking the country way too far to the left and maybe this was needed to balance things out. The republicans run Congress and the Senate and they should thank Trump even though they don’t want to.

        It is a peculiar time and I don’t mind Hillary losing because even though I’m not a socialist, Bernie Sanders should have gotten the nomination for the Democratic Party, he should have ran against Trump in the election but Queen Hellary made sure that did not happen. Karma came and bit her in the ass and the fact that she did not come out and thank her supporters that night ( which everyone in history had done) showed what a fucking bitch she really is.

        The way I look at it my friend is this…
        if I’m bound to go to hell I rather die by my sword than somebody else’s…So I’m okay with my vote.
        look at all the Tantrums the Lefty’s are having!!!
        They needed to get punched💪👊

        • jim

          November 12, 2016 at 7:12 pm

          You’re right..Trump was the only choice available that made sense.. I hope Americans are suitably disgusted by the street protests (orchestrated in part by Soros) which Obama-Hilary and the sainted Bernie could call off if they wanted to.. The inability of the media to make even the slightest admission of misconduct on their part will hopefully bury them for ever… We really are in a war with these people now aren’t we? They refuse to accept Trump just as they refuse to accept Brexit. In December we might see the same thing in Italy & Austria..Next year in France… We were right along Macho.

  4. Mucho Macho

    November 12, 2016 at 12:53 pm

  5. Mucho Macho

    November 12, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    Not only does Dolph Lundgren appear in movies seems like every week, he has now signed on for the TV show “Arrow” as a recurring villain throughout Season #5 of the show.
    https://youtu.be/SfSkbN2xQAI