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REVIEW: XXX 3: The Return Of Xander Cage – ManlyMovie

REVIEW: XXX 3: The Return Of Xander Cage

Run Time: 107 mins
Rated: PG-13
What To Expect: A visualized love note from Vin Diesel to himself

xXx is a never has been, never will be franchise.  The original movie has aged, badly, into a state of cringe decay worse than its original appearance — it was bad then, it’s worse now.  There was another movie featuring Ice Cube, but no-one wants to even talk about that one.  Actually in the viewers’ jury, the second movie with Ice Cube is probably going to have the most lenient sentence in the fullness of time.  I think this one, the third, is going to get the worst.  It is an egregious, almost sickening vanity project. Guess for who.

The third movie sees Donnie Yen lead a group of nefarious fellows who have came upon a technology that allows them to direct satellites from orbit towards specified targets on earth.  It might sound like some corn out of an old Roger Movie Bond movie, but at the start, Samuel L. Jackson scouts the NFL for to be one of the good guys… as you do.  Take note CIA, the world’s best tennis players are ready to do their duty fighting ISIS.  So you see, comparing it to Moore’s Bond would be an insult to those movies. After a satellite mercifully reduces Jackson’s screen time (he’s oddly annoying in this movie, everyone but Yen is, even Jaa), the powers that be decide that only Xander Cage and his select group of recruits can sort things out.

Shark jumping set pieces and fawning 20 year old bimbos are built around the smug 49 year old Diesel, instead of exciting action and Yen/Diesel/Jaa being built around a halfway decent plot. Yeah, we’re not even asking for a fully decent story, just enough for a decent escapist action yarn. Everything is Diesel, Diesel and Diesel.

This is obviously, patently a sanctimonious vanity project with Diesel’s ghost direction written all over it. You have to see it to believe how highly Diesel clearly thinks of himself in this movie.  And when I say the script is tailored to have actresses fawn and paw over Diesel, I’m not joking.  One scene has Diesel show up and have sex with a blonde.  Shortly after, Diesel is in a room with dressed like Elton John about to have sex with three+ adoring 20 year olds.

Next, Diesel is aboard an airplane and is presented with his most obsessive female fan yet. Acknowledging that she’s in heat, he advises; ‘breath… I know mouth to mouth’.  The response from the smitten woman 30 years his junior; ‘wow, look at those guns!‘ while pointing at Diesel’s arms.  Cool dialogue there… but didn’t we pay to see an action movie featuring Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa too?  Those taking late seats will pretty much miss Jaa’s entire involvement.

Donnie Yen’s talent and charisma are squandered

Donnie Yen is in the movie and probably the only reason I’m going to give it points.  He has some decent action scenes, but plays second fiddle to the bald narcissist.  And too often, the action he’s involved in becomes annoyingly ‘crazy’ (read: CGI fridge nuking).  I gotta wonder if Diesel’s stunt double is in the movie more than Yen.  In quite a few action scenes, there is a bald headed man at work but I do not believe it’s Diesel!  Want to know when Diesel takes over?  Take for example when we cut from daring boarding action to simple running… we know it’s Diesel because it looks like a middle aged bald man with water retention battling arthritis.

One more thing.  I cannot stand Ruby Rose.  Is this woman remotely aware of how annoying she is? A total, utter try hard.  And every cool kid knows that trying is not cool.  The hard ass lesbian who makes lewd comments towards other women.  You know, to remind us that she’s Ruby Rose and a lesbian.

In the opening, Jackson recalls that he set up the xXx project with ‘skateboards and swimming pools’ in mind, to signal a theme and series appealing to youngsters – with young stars.  I think Diesel needs to act his age.

 

  • UpInHurr

    What the hell happened to this guy??!! He actually seemed cool back when Pitch Black, the first Fast and Furious and A Man Apart came out. But if anyone’s become a joke and a parody of themselves it’s him! He should have tried for different roles but he was probably too full of himself to accept any supporting roles or anything that didn’t feed his ego…..

    • The Night Rider

      I thought he had potential back in the day. Arguably The Rock boosted his career when he agreed to do those Fast movies, but I’m sure Diesel has a different interpretation in his own mind.

  • jim

    Haha…wasn’t going to watch it anyway but a great review..Looks like Diesel is now officially the Barbra Streisand of male action stars..delusional vanity ,insufferable egotism …and no idea that everyone is laughing at him behind his back . Pity…he was great in Pitch Black.

  • Mucho Macho

    I haven’t watched it yet however I heard from a couple of friends too how pretty much everyone in the movie is drooling over Diesel but this isn’t a surprise because if you visit his Facebook page is pretty much a tribute to how much he thinks of himself.

    I don’t hate the guy but it’s hard to believe at this point he was in “Saving Private Ryan” and “Boiler Room” .
    No obviously on this site we love action movies, it’s just that some of us might think he’s capable of making better ones.

    • The Night Rider

      I just realized this weekend… there’s something called ‘Vinbook’. I don’t hate him either though, I’d like to see the guy humbled and maybe playing an earthy role as an Italian mobster or something.

      • Mucho Macho

        Agree.
        A mobster or Action Hero that the ride around on a skateboard

    • jim

      I didn’t hate him in Pitch Black….real presence, a fantastic voice. very minimal acting…he was superb…but the road to assholeville tends to be a one way street.

  • Mucho Macho

    Xander cage does not have groupies…
    He has family

  • Mucho Macho

    Ruby Rose is allowed to speak that way of women cuz she’s a lesbian but if she was a guy we will have femi-nazis
    running around screaming “sexism” from the top of their lungs & the likes of CNN A.K.A. The Clinton News Network urging them on
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/52b0afecbcedeea463aaaf3d1044b26e5c3b67954b181b19c5791c174e9b1b6e.jpg

    • jim

      Those protests are worryingly large…and Trump shouldn’t pretend his inauguration drew a bigger crowd than Obama’s..What difference does it make?..I’d like to see him stop reacting to everything, settle down and do stuff…fix the Supreme Court, enshrine free speech, bury PC..that will help a lot. A lot of this emotionalism can be swept away by blunt facts if we can just start talking honestly about these issues. ..but I’m getting sick of stupid bitches who think Trump is a bigger threat to women than islam…too many of these protesters are female…are they all crazy?

      • Mucho Macho

        In a way it is truly amazing what’s going on in the US it’s like a declared war from certain media Outlets & groups. They reported that he took Martin Luther King statue from the Oval Office because you didn’t see in a picture when in fact it was just behind an agent . Obama took the Winston Churchill one and just threw it away somewhere and Trump said he was just going to put that one back in.

        Obama had more people obviously because his supporters don’t have anything better to do.? but the picture that they’re using in comparison is from earlier in the day at the bleachers that they’re putting out that they were empty or just reserved for later on in the evening for VIP people.
        I know people that went to protest and to the inauguration and a friend of mine that went to Washington said that security was so tight for blocks n that I’m pretty sure it discourage people from attending . That and the lunatics attacking Trump supporters.

        But it must be said that Donald Trump put more fat women to walk in his first day than Michelle Obama could in her 8 years preaching her bullshit diet.???

      • Mucho Macho

        Btw Jim… sometimes I write fast while I do other things & one thing that I forgot to mention was that in Washington DC those hotels were booked weeks in advance by all these women because you know they thought Hillary was going to win ( cause you know they’ve been watching CNN and MSNBCLGTB) and what was supposed to turn into a Victory Parade turned to a sore loser march.
        Another thing is that every time a republican wins a lot of women start freaking out about Roe versus Wade and will abortion rights be taken away. It’s like a song we have to hear every time a republican gets elected to the Oval Office.
        Another freakout is obviously in the social media era, you will expect a new president once he takes office that the White House website was going to change. .. and of course they’re freaking out that the White House website changed. Like these idiots expected to log in and see Obama’s face in it and they’re freaking out that W.H. website changed. Now the main menu does not include gay rights or whatever , not that I’ve ever Clicked on that shit tbh. They announced that in advance, that obviously that website was going to grow as the presidency went along. if Hillary would have won, the website would’ve changed as well but these people don’t get that.

        and you know what’s really idiotic ? Google the name Linda Sarsour and see who these idiots are also marching for

        • jim

          Goods point about the protesters who thought it would be a victory parade.,..Of course you must be correct..This actually makes the protest look LOL funny…You can feel the butt hurt.. Fuck ’em.

          • Mucho Macho

            They are attacking everyone associated with Trump. They’re even attacking his son who is a a bit tall and looks a bit older but he’s actually 10 years old.
            Did you see the story of that crazy faggot who verbally attacked Ivanka Trump during a commercial flight a few weeks ago.

            But to give credit where credit is due, the left for months and months told us that a Trump presidency was going to lead to violence and hate.
            And they were right …The violence and hate has come from them. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/54f8691a0e96cfd432beea43750351cb9b854c7d57a0e146f1544414ddfcc8ea.png

          • jim

            Heard about the faggot attack on the plane..it was actually a fag couple…two lawyers..they kept calling each other “my husband” …pure Gaystapo…they sounded flat out crazy too.. every dog smells his own… the people who scream “fascist” the loudest are always the worst offenders…and no one rips into a woman the way other women do.. fags run ’em a close second.

          • Mucho Macho

            Tell me about it. Nobody hates women more than other women. I grew up around them & learned that lesson very early on.

            Let me give you sn example of “Women Logic”
            When we guyz hang out in a group, 1 of us might be more of a player than the other. So if the 1 guy is a chick magnet & is able to bring other girls to the table or gets the rest of the group invited, thats great. We want that motherfucker to hang out all the time with us cause it might get us laid.

            However when men pay attention to 1 particular girl in a group, the other women get angry at the girl who receives the attention. Eventually kickin her out of the group cause they get a “cow complex”
            We men dont give a fuck how we get’em. If they come over cause of the 1 guy, hell…we would drive 5 fuckin hours to get his ass to come hang out with us. Have u ever met a real man stop hanging out or end a friendship cause another guy was in better shape?

            Some women actually befriend fatter chicks to make themselves prettier to the opposite sex. & have you noficed how unfortunately the fat friend is the 1 with the better personality.

            This past election all we heard was ” Do you want Trump with the nukes”
            Well I say this…I dont give a fuck if they are from the same party. Give me a congress, a senate & a cabinet filled with women & fuckin guarantee you the U.S. will nuke itself in less than a year??

          • jim

            Speaking of which breitbart.com/big-hollywood/2017/01/23/chelsea-handler-wont-interview-melania-trump-can-barely-speak-english/

            Could they get any crazier
            breitbart.com/video/2017/01/23/idaho-dems-exec-director-dnc-should-train-people-in-how-to-shut-their-mouths-if-theyre-white/

            On the other hand: beware of false prophets..I can feel a bait-and-switch scam coming down the pipe.Why is Trump arse licking the Chosen? Are we being suckered? Is Trump just a useful idiot for banks and Israel? Read this
            http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:DgItycKra4sJ:blogs.spectator.co.uk/2017/01/new-york-tabloid-turned-trump/+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ie

          • Mucho Macho

            I knew of the son in law for a long time.
            Trump is a New Yorker & in New York you can’t throw a Stone without hitting somebody with a yamaka or somebody that knows somebody with a yamaka.
            Not that it justifies what any of these Islamic terrorists do but the fact that the West and England always so pro-israel does not help relations with these other Middle Eastern territories, the blind loyalty to israel has led the Middle East to further hate our countries. However I also believe these mothefuckers just hate us for breathing. They’ll find any excuse.

            No matter who gets up there, we can’t criticize Israel, that’s just like a given.

          • jim

            HRC is a bitch from hell and all those protesters are bipolar toddlers …but that doesn’t mean Trump is our our guy..He better me more than just a shill for Goldman-Sachs and Israel… he wasn’t elected for those reasons…in fact I don’t remember banking regulations and Israel featuring much in his campaign at all..

          • Mucho Macho

            He did mention Israel and wanting to put the embassy in Jerusalem and being an ally to Israel blah blah blah while campaigning. My friend for whatever reason this is something that we cannot get rid of, Israel ass kissing. But as I told you before it is weird & a bit amazing what’s going on, however as I’ve seen protesters and people being physically attacked, I understand that this was more about a vote for Trump but one big “fuck you!” to these crazy lefty people. By the way , more ethnic people voted for Trump than the. mainstream media is willing to report. We have just begun and like I once told you, it’s impossible realistically that he will do a hundred percent what he said he was going to do but so far and I’m okay with my vote & where I stood in this conflict. let’s wait and see. We have just begun… let’s just wait it out.
            Maybe this will be fun?

          • Mucho Macho

            Seriously..lefties have gone crazy!!!
            Hahahahaha
            The world has gone mad?
            https://youtu.be/Ol9r-WCb6No

          • jim
          • Mucho Macho

            C-R-A-Z-Y
            hahahahaha.
            Of course since the election or before one expresses certain doubts about the candidates that were elelected to office. Its perfectly natural & they should not get a free pass. However since the election I am convinced now more than ever that historically this was needed.
            The American left over here always denied they were this radical, that they were not this extreme but once their Queen was not able to sit on the throne, this is what has happened. They revealed themselves to be who they really were. A bunch of crazy radicals who like many before them, want to create a create”Socialist Utopia” by force. They keep trying no matter how many times this in the long run has failed and for that I’m happy Trump.
            https://youtu.be/yFwWjdh2oFI

          • jim

            breitbart.com/big-hollywood/2017/01/25/director-joss-whedon-compares-ivanka-trump-dog/

          • Mucho Macho

            I’ll say this for Trump, Motherfucker took office & just started swinging right away. Pissing people off of left and right..Ordering walls, revoking visas & shit.. It is something else.
            I’m having some KFC & and just watching The Crazies at CNN just have a fucking meltdown?

          • jim

            Like a Boss. …full marks for old school macho…but if we just end up with more jewsplainin’ then we’ve been sold a pup…..we shall see.. Excuse my Doubting Thomas routine..I’ve been hurt before..It’s hard to learn to love again….but I’m gonna try.!

          • Mucho Macho

            Hahahaha. I understand. Listen I’m sure not everything will go according to plan but I don’t remember the last time a President in less than a week started fuckin the system so much like this.

  • Anoyster

    Another Diesel-Turd™

  • Jacob Phillips

    Haven’t seen any of these films and never will, still, I enjoyed reading this review. I’ve never taken a shred of interest in this guy, other than to take the piss, although it was interesting to learn recently that he was in Saving Private Ryan, surely the highlight of his career I’d have thought.

  • Jacob Phillips

    Incidentally I watched Hacksaw Ridge this weekend and it’s terrific – another masterpiece from the GOAT, seriously competing with Apocalypto for the top spot in Gibson’s filmography as a director in my opinion. What a fucking awesome talent. His pathetic haters must be seething over it. He’s shit all over them and then some. Mel needs to make more movies. Personally I’d love a follow up to Apocalypto, dealing with how the Spanish slaughtered the indigenous population in the Americas.

    • CARTMANEZ

      His HW haters will be in tears of rage and agony at the sheer injustice of letting him ‘back in’ …

      As for next think he’s going to do The Passion 2 which should be interesting. And I wonder if theres a chance of LW5 now he’s back (directed by Shane Black as Donner abit too old now)

  • CARTMANEZ

    Cinema visit. This or La La Land. Id be genuinely tempted to pick the latter

  • Der

    Watched it Friday agree with most of review it’s an out and out ego project for an aging action star tony jaa is annoying as fuck Micheal bisping is good in it loads of ass and titties to look at and Donnie yen burns up the screen mans the best action star walking the planet at the minute with this and rouge one which he’s also great in a big solo Hollywood action movie has to be on the cards soon

  • crocop97

    I’ll say it again, fuck that bald ass pretentious midget

  • I Must Have Power Absolute ™

    I remember back when I was in school Vin Diesel used to be the man. People used to use him as example when something “badass” or cool was happening. Now the dude is a joke. And not like a Steven Seagal joke where he still makes decent watchable movies, Vin Diesal has tanked every since he made that garbage babysitting movie. Dude killed his own career with that movie.

  • Lt_Cobretti

    His only good movie is The Iron Giant. I don’t even mean that as an insult, that’s a manly children’s movie.

  • ColonelBobi

    Diesel was only ever decent in Pitch Black and SVP (bit part). OK maybe one or two of the F&F movies are passable but I need to be halfway drunk to sit through them. I never saw the original XXX and won’t be seeing this. Thanks for the review.

  • Barney Ross

    I like Vin Diesel though. But this is just another pg13 shit i guess.

  • Barney Ross
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