THE LIMEY (1999)
Today is St. George’s Day today. Monday the 23rd of April. This can only mean one thing, that it’s time to list some of the best Geezer movies, bwuv. In case you didn’t know what the term Geezer means, let us consult Urban Dictionary:
A geezer will be found usually out side a pub with a pint in his hand on match day. They commonly like football, scrapping, beer, tea, tits, and Barry white. Geezers often acknowledge other geezers by a greeting each other by saying geezer followed by a nod and a thumbs up.
Starting this list is The Limey, a 1999 thriller directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring General Zod himself, Terence Stamp. Stamp plays Wilson, cockney career criminal who heads on over to Los Angeles to investigate the suspicious death of his daughter.
This film was a critical success, but a box office bomb, therefore many might not know of it. Terrance Stamp terrorizing gangbangers with cockney one liners? Excellent.
GET CARTER (1971)
We could probably fill out a list of ninety movies for this list, eighty of them featuring Danny Dyer. But since I’m only going to list five, you can’t pass on the O.Geezer movie.
One thing you shouldn’t do to a Geezer would be to murder a loved one Geezer. As seen in The Limey, this provokes and encourages disastrous and assuredly violent consequences. Murdering a Bruv is worse than even spilling a Geezer’s pint.
Michael Caine is on the rip, seeking to avenge the death of his brother. This is the progenitor British gangster film, often aped but never repeated. Mind you, the Sylvester Stallone remake is unfairly shat upon. Stallone beating several men half to death in an elevator to 8-bit Christmas music is one of the best scenes of the 2000’s.
SEXY BEAST (2000)
I could watch this classic manly movie over and over and over.
Ben Kingsley plays the typically stoic, deadpan yet direct cockney madman showing up on Ray Winstone’s bliss Spanish villa. People usually cite Kingsley as the single selling point of the film but don’t forget Winstone’s performance, or the presence of Ian McShane, who is even more intimidating than Kingsley.
But anyway, here is some exceptional fucking dialogue, cunts. Only a Cockney Geezer could be this fresh mouthed and quick-witted.
Don: Shut up, cunt. You louse. You got some fuckin’ neck ain’t you. Retired? Fuck off, you’re revolting. Look at your suntan, it’s leather, it’s like leather man, your skin. We could make a fucking suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk?
Don: What you think this is the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and fuck off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, fuck off Don. Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I’m gonna have that? You really think I’m gonna have that, ya ponce. All right, I’ll make it easy for you. God knows you’re fucking trying. Are you gonna do the job? It’s not a difficult question, are you gonna do the job, yes or no?
THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY (1980)
To like A Long Good Friday is to love story telling, delivered by fine acting. The movie centres on London mob supremo Harold Shand (Bob Hoskins) and his attempt to develop docklands territory and legitimize his business in doing so. Climbing the food chain needs sponsorship, so New York heavyweight Eddie Constantine is flown in to listen to Shand’s pitch. However, Shand’s men (and even his own mother) begin falling prey to an unseen predator who nonetheless uses high publicity and embarrassing methods of executions – car bombs and bodies being nailed to floors. Unless Shand finds out who is doing it and put a stop to it at once, his potential investors from the States will walk.
This may have been the first time, or at least one of the first times, that ground was broken in the portrayal of a ruthless gangster as entirely human. Hoskins is one part sociopath, two parts regular businessman and average guy who likes a smoke and sometimes gets irritated by the missus.
LOCK, STOCK & TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998)
When was the last time Guy Ritchie made a good movie, or at least a movie as good as this?
In this film, a botched card game in London triggers four friends, thugs, weed-growers, hard gangsters, loan sharks and debt collectors to collide with each other in a series of unexpected events, all for the sake of weed, cash and two antique shotguns.
Don’t forget, it doesn’t just feature Jason Statham, but also notable English hardmen actors like P.H. Moriarty, or boxer turned actor Lenny McLean. Of course, who doesn’t like to see Vinnie Jones crush a man’s skull with a car door for threatening the life of his mini-Geezer son?