Years ago, when Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone ruled the box office, there were critics who complained that both men were turning Hollywood into an industry of violent and explosive action movies. These people wanted a more family friendly dominated cinema, more PG and less provocative. And so, they’d attack Schwarzenegger and Stallone in any way they could. One of their favoured shots was jeering the steroid usage that Sly and Arnold would engage in. It seemed like one in three reviews would open with a comedic put down involving a steroid pun, especially as we went into the 1990s. Funny though, now that super hero/comic book movies have PG Hollywood hegemony, nobody wants to talk about steroid abuse anymore.
I want to talk about steroid abuse.
Most of the ‘big’ comic book hero stars are juicing their fucking asses off. Don’t ask me how they’re taking it, exactly, be it right into their veins or administering their drugs orally, but anyone who has put the hours in at the gym and is at least halfway intelligent can spot a juicer. Take former Batman Christian Bale. Steroid user. Bale weighed 120lbs during his role in The Machinist. Then he got the call to be Batman. In the space of a few months, he went from walking skeleton to 220lb wrestler. How did he do it? Bale claims to have worked out all day and gorged on all kinds of food.
False. Firstly, the old ‘worked out all day’ chestnut. Without anabolic assistance, a man can’t lift weights ‘all day’, doing so is counter productive. It’s called overtraining and everyone knows it. Now I realise Bale was jacked before The Machinist and a certain element of muscle memory would come into play, but it would never account for 100lbs over 5-6 months. Second, go ahead and ‘gorge all day’ on any old food, see what happens. Side note: Perhaps roid rage is what caused Bale to allegedly perform some Batman maneuvers on his sister and mother in an attempt to lay down the law, back when he was coming off his cycle in 2008 for the second film?
Thomas Jane boasted about hitting the same muscle twice a day for The Punisher, Edward Norton made similar boasts about his conditioning for American History X. I’m sure they did, but they’re lying by omission.
Naturally, Bale’s trasformation simply isn’t possible. Of course, noobs will argue the ‘hard work’ card, like Bale attempted to do. But these arguments always come from lazy fucks who’ve never benched in their lives. You can’t break the genetic wall – hitting the gym all day everyday will cause your body to crash, sooner rather than later. Recovery is everything. Going the natural way to such a physique takes at least a year, where each night is a night of good, long sleep. For most, five days a week of hard lifting is the limit, with little more than one hour per day. Crossing that line requires chemical nourishment.
Say your prayers and take your dianabol!
Other examples, family movie star Hugh Jackman, for one. Each time he appears as The Wolverine, he has usually less than six months to prepare. Each time he shows up on set looking like a ripped tank. Jackman as it happens, said he contacted The Rock for tips on upping his game. He said he then applied The Rock’s regimen to appear more ripped than ever. Which is funny, because The Rock is a known steroid user and did not attain the physique Jackson emulated naturally. All the tell tale signs are there – during the Rock’s last wrestling match with John Cena, the guy was sweating like a pig before he’d even entered the ring, guess what causes that?
There are others too, of course. Chris Hemsworth looks like a walking cardiac arrest in Thor. Robert Downey Jr’s trainer claims to have taken him from 151lbs to 175lbs in the space of ‘three to four weeks’ for his role in Iron Man 2. This was of course, all lean muscle. Not possible cleanly.
And yet the cookie cutter critics and the people who once ridiculed Stallone with routine steroid jokes have nothing to say. Which is funny for a number of reasons. In Cliffhanger, Stallone was appearing in a movie aimed at grown ups. So what if he takes steroids? Those adults in the audience can make up their own minds on whether or not they want to follow his lead. Hugh Jackman on the other hand, drug user, is making movies for children. Look kids, you can be like Wolverine too. Just inject a few CC of dianabol in your ass, or between your toes like your favourite Marvel boy. If teacher asks you how you’ve become impossibly ripped overnight, just take a leaf out of role model Hugh’s book and lie through your teeth.